Good at deciding, bad at being there

The same strength that built me is the one that gets in the way most when I get home.

My kids are growing up, and I'm realizing I'm good at deciding and bad at just being there. I want to be a father and I want to be company, and I almost never get both right on the same day.

When I try to teach responsibility, it comes out as pressure. When I try to get closer, I turn the conversation into a problem to be solved. And a kid doesn't want to be a solved problem. He wants to be heard.

I noticed something the other day. The more I rationalize the conversation, the more I push them away. I show up with the answer ready and they close the door. What looked like care turns into distance.

I think connection doesn't come from the right conversation. It comes from being side by side, with no goal, without needing it to amount to anything. For someone who learned to solve everything fast, that's the hardest move: lowering the stakes instead of raising them.

I'm not going to pretend I've learned. I still make mistakes almost every day.

The day ends and another begins. You can't erase what I did yesterday, but you can make yesterday just one moment among many better ones.

I've realized that my children don't need a perfect father, nor a fun father. They need a father who comes back.

That's what I try to be. Not the father who never makes mistakes, but the father who makes mistakes and shows up again the next day, willing to try again.

And tomorrow again!